Do you think people can really change?

For better or for worse, humans constantly change. We often make intentional choices to change or have things that we want to change about ourselves. We make efforts to change when we want to excel our careers, become a better spouse, or improve in sports and hobbies. On the other hand, we can change unintentionally when we allow our bad habits, thought patterns and vices to take control.

We all have things that we feel are holding us back from becoming our best selves – the people we were meant to be. True, lasting change can be so difficult to achieve. Often, our failed attempts to change trap us in cycles of shame. We want to break free from the habits and attitudes that hold us back, yet we feel helpless as we struggle to change on our own.

For years, the thing that held me back from becoming my best self – who I was meant to be – was my negative relationship with food and my body. I wanted to share my story, not as an authority on physical health, but as a message of hope to others who may be struggling.

When I was growing up, I never worried about food or my weight. I loved being active – participating in gym class, doing dance after school and other physical activities for recreation. My mom cooked 95% of our meals and in high school I would pack my own lunches. I was never concerned with calories, what foods I was eating or how much I was eating. By the time I graduated, I was performing at my physical peak in dance and my other activities. I was happy, healthy and confident in my body, blissfully ignorant that I was “thin” by society’s standards.

In college, I maintained a high level of physical activity, hitting the gym 5-6 days a week. I lived on a large campus without a car, so I walked a few miles each day as well. I ate a balanced diet and was able to maintain my weight for the first couple years. My last two years of college, I created a habit of eating snacks at night to procrastinate studying. Every day, I resolved to “try harder” and break the habit, but instead I would fail and feel horrible. I would eat to relax and escape stress. Around this time, I also started counting calories and would feel awful every time I would “blow it” and go over my limit for the day. I wasn’t eating anything super unhealthy, but my recurring binges would often total over 1,000 calories, over and above what I had already consumed that day.

By the time I graduated college, I weighed 15-20 lbs. more than when I entered. While it’s normal for people to gain weight in college, accepting my new body felt impossible. As I observed my new eating habits and negative self-talk, I saw myself sowing seeds for a future eating disorder.

After graduating, I thought I would be able to get my stress eating and bingeing under control. After all, I wouldn’t be having tests and papers due every quarter (which occasionally caused me to miss my workouts) or have assignments to procrastinate on. I planned to start getting enough sleep and get back to a consistent workout routine. By walking across the stage at graduation, I thought I was walking away from my tendency to stress eat and binge – I could not have been more wrong.

In some ways, school was less stressful than working, since the stressors were somewhat cyclical (new quarter, midterms, finals). At work, stress can seem more unpredictable and endless. As adults, we experience life stress on top of the craziness that goes on in our cubicles. It’s easy to feel like there is no escape from stress, so we turn to habits and vices that we believe will help. Our comforts can make us forget our stress temporarily, but in the long run, they can have an incredibly negative impact.

When I got home from work at night, all I wanted to do was escape my stress and eat. I was exhausted from my day, emotionally overwhelmed and starving from not eating enough food throughout the day. I would eat a low-calorie dinner and then try to have “discipline” and not eat anything else. Just like when I was in college, I would break down, binge and hate myself. I believed that I could not be happy unless I was thin – maybe I didn’t even deserve to be happy. As my negative self-talk increased, I experienced constant anxiety and sadness. At that time, I felt trapped in an endless cycle of guilt, shame and self-loathing.

In February 2020, I decided to break the cycle. I needed the perspective of someone else to guide me out of my self-imposed prison. Beyond general philosophy and a positive mindset, I was seeking practical tools to start making life changes. From my previous attempts at calorie restriction, I knew that a strict diet would not work for me. I was aware of my problem and had failed many times in discovering a solution on my own.

My doctor referred me to a dietitian and I shared my story with her. She observed that I was in good physical health, but I knew that mentally and spiritually I was not well. Following our conversation, she determined that I had a negative relationship with food, rather than an eating disorder. She also suggested that I read Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. (Learn more: https://www.intuitiveeating.org/).

To put it simply, this book and its philosophy changed my life. It was as if the authors had been inside my head, hearing all of my negative self-talk and anxiety in the presence of food. Their words made me feel understood. The central thesis of Intuitive Eating is that diets are not (and will never be) an effective, sustainable eating lifestyle. The authors cite numerous studies showing that almost every person who goes on a strict diet ends up gaining their weight back, plus more. In addition, as a society we are completely out of touch with our bodies. In contrast, children have a strong sense which foods they like and dislike. They know how to eat when they are hungry and stop when full. They eat with joy, free from guilt, shame or restriction. Is it possible for us to return to this natural state and awake the intuitive eater within?

In Intuitive Eating, Tribole and Resch provide practical tools that helped to guide me back to the intuitive eater I was years ago. Instead of focusing on what I eat, I focus instead on how what I eat makes me feel. It is important to know that this philosophy does not promote or promise weight loss. Instead, it promotes achieving a natural weight, a restored mind-body connection and establishing a healthy relationship with food.

After finishing the book, I put the principles into practice right away. I no longer count calories or obsess over my weight. I enjoy all foods in moderation – no foods are “bad” or “off limits”. Now, all food is just food, even “play” foods are part of what I eat. I’ve been learning to detect and respond to my hunger signals, to anticipate hunger and have food available that I know will nourish me and provide energy. I’ve been learning to eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full, even if my tongue still wants more. I’ve been learning to eat without distractions and to be more present in the experience of eating. I no longer experience fear or anxiety when interacting with food.

I’ve been learning to acknowledge and respond to negative voices in my mind, telling me lies about my body or food. I’ve been learning to eat foods that I find satisfying and that I truly enjoy eating. I’ve been learning to recognize and engage with my emotional needs, rather than trying to numb emotional pain using food. I have found that taking a hot shower, recording a voice memo, engaging in a new activity or writing helps me to cope with my emotions in a healthy way. I’ve been learning to respect my body by honoring it with nice clothing, treatment and care. I’ve been learning to try new forms of exercise and be flexible as I explore different kinds of movement. I’ve been learning to honor my health with gentle nutrition by trying new recipes, eating a wide variety of foods, getting my fruit and veggies and incorporating color into my meals.

“It will become easier to identify and examine your triggers and your emotions related to eating. With regular practice, you will discover that your life experience expands exponentially, so that food takes its proper place – as a source of nourishment and one of life’s simple pleasures.” (Intuitive Eating Journal, p. 178)

Through these changes, I have been learning to embrace this as an ongoing process. Just as I celebrate my successes with food, I have also learned to have grace for myself in my mistakes. By embracing Intuitive Eating, I have learned the importance of showing myself compassion and approaching changes from a place of curiosity rather than judgement. At night, I take time to journal about my daily experience with food. I write down things that I am proud of and one area where I would like to be more intentional. This process isn’t about perfection. It’s about changing, growing and listening to my body and what it needs.

“Intuitive Eating gives you a more compassionate way of looking at your journey toward a healthy relationship with food. Come from a place of curiosity, not judgement.” (Intuitive Eating Journal, p. 91)

Through Intuitive Eating, I have been given the tools I needed to break the cycle of negative self-talk, restricting, bingeing, anxiety and depression. I was able to break free and start to become who I believe I was meant to be. In surrendering my grip of control over every piece of food I consumed, I discovered true freedom. I haven’t been this positive about food or my body in years. Now, I feel in control, powerful and confident. I smile at myself in the mirror. I truly believe that I am beautiful and deserve to be happy – no matter what three digit number describes my weight.

“Intuitive Eating is an empowering process, which not only promotes health, but is also your gateway to freedom. When you are freed from the tyranny of food and body anxiety, you have the space and renewed energy to pursue your dreams and discover your purpose in life.” (Intuitive Eating, p. 298)