In a culture where dating apps facilitate endless options and commitment feels optional, the Christian approach to relationships stands out as notably different. While secular dating culture embraces casual connections and physical intimacy, many Christians take a more intentional path—one that prioritizes marriage as the ultimate goal of dating. But like any approach to something as complex as human relationships, the Christian perspective has both strengths worth celebrating and blind spots worth examining. Having observed countless Christian couples—through personal friendships, social media, and my own experiences—I’ve come to appreciate both what the Christian community gets right and where it sometimes misses the mark. My goal isn’t to dismiss the Christian approach, but to find a balanced perspective that honors both the sacred nature of relationships and the practical realities of human compatibility.

What Christians Get Right

I want to start with what I think Christians get right in relationships, because there are many valuable aspects to this approach. In a time of low-stakes dating and casual sex, Christians set themselves apart from the norm by taking dating seriously. For Christians, marriage is sacred and serves as a symbol of God’s love and sacrifice for the church (the body of believers). For Christians, dating is focused on getting to know the person before exploring marriage. After a couple gets married, they enjoy sex. In secular dating, this order of operations is usually reversed, starting with sex happening early in dating, followed by greater relational intimacy, and possibly culminating in marriage if the couple chooses to pursue an official union.

I think the Christian approach to dating takes marriage seriously, with most Christians considering those they date as potential future spouses. This intentionality extends beyond emotional connection—Christian dating is valuable in how it allows time for couples to get to know one another before going deeper into physical intimacy.

What Christians Get Wrong

When dating, I’ve often heard young people say, “I was praying and God confirmed I should ask her out,” or “God said he would be my spouse,” or “God told me you are the one for me.” I’ve even said these phrases myself and believed them in my past relationships. I know that when I was in love, it was easy for me to believe this was “God’s will” because that is what I wanted to be true, not because I received actual confirmation from God. I used those words to manifest the reality I envisioned and to manipulate circumstances to fit my desires. I know many other Christians have done the same thing as they date and look for a spouse.

Now, this isn’t to say that God doesn’t speak to people in clear and direct ways; I believe that God is active and communicates through the Holy Spirit. God can speak with an audible voice, a still small voice, or a specific word of confirmation in prayer. However, God does not always speak to us in these direct ways. God can also speak to us and answer prayers through the Bible, dreams and visions, life circumstances, and the wise counsel of other believers.

Another thing I’ve experienced in the church and Christian circles is the implication that all couples need to have a healthy relationship is for both partners to be seeking Christ. I know this situation has been the case for some couples, where they had little to nothing in common outside of Christ and went on to marry and have a wonderful relationship. However, I would caution young Christians against this perspective because most couples need greater compatibility than just love for Christ to make a relationship work. At the end of the day, a couple needs shared core values, beliefs, compatible personalities, communication and conflict resolution skills, in addition to personal relationships with God in order to have a healthy marriage.

While I believe it is valuable for Christians to hold marriage sacred, there can be a negative aspect to holding matrimony in such high regard. In the church, it can feel like marriage is put on a pedestal as the ideal status for all believers. I believe sexual sin should be avoided at all costs, and Christians should not put themselves in positions of compromise. However, many young Christians have received unwise counsel or misinterpreted well-meaning counsel and think they should marry to avoid sexual sin. The truth is that marriage is not a solution to sexual sin, even though many Christians believe that it is. Sexual sin and desires do not disappear once a person is married—they persist. Sex is a wonderful part of God’s design for humanity, but not a reason to rush into marriage or force marriage to the wrong person.

This issue illustrates a crucial principle: good values can become harmful when overapplied or misapplied. I deeply value the Christian emphasis on marriage’s sacred nature and the wisdom of sexual purity. However, when these biblical principles are taken to unhealthy extremes—when the fear of sexual sin becomes the primary motivation for marriage, or when any shared faith is considered sufficient compatibility—young Christians can be pushed toward life-altering decisions they’re not ready for or with partners who aren’t right for them.

The consequences of this can be devastating. Rushing into marriage to avoid sexual temptation or because of social pressure can lead to incompatible unions, broken relationships, and in the worst cases, divorce or even abusive situations. When children are involved, the pain multiplies. What began as an attempt to honor God through marriage can end up causing tremendous suffering for entire families. The very values meant to protect and bless can become the source of deep wounds when applied without wisdom and discernment.

In the same way that overvaluing marriage can lead to couples rushing to commit, in celebrating marriage the church can start to elevate marriage to a form of “salvation” from the hardships of singleness. Marriage is God’s provision of a great blessing, but should not be reduced to an easy way out of dealing with loneliness or sexual sin. There is an overarching assumption that God’s will is for all Christians to be married, so for every believer, it is only a matter of time until they find “the one.” Young Christians can be confused by this assumption and start to believe there is something wrong with them if they do not start dating or eventually get married. Love is a wonderful thing and marriage should be celebrated, but not mistaken for our true source of salvation in Christ.

Landing in the Middle

After reflecting on overapplications and underapplications of the Christian perspective on dating and marriage, I have landed somewhere in the middle. The most important concept to remember is that all Christians should be seeking contentment in God, whether they are single or married. This reminds me of the apostle Paul, who himself was single and never married, yet wrote to the Philippians, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” (Philippians 4:11-13). Paul embraced the hardships of singleness, devoting himself to serving Christ fully, just as all Christians should seek to do regardless of their relationship status.

What many young Christians don’t realize is that there are difficulties in marriage, just like there are difficulties in being single. Married Christians and single Christians may not have all the same challenges, but challenges in life exist regardless. When Christians learn to be content in their current circumstances, that is where God can lead them more directly into what God wants them to do in this life. The Christian’s purpose in life—to love God and love others—becomes more tangible the deeper their contentment is within God.

Contentment and gratitude are gifts from God, and Christians can use them to navigate the loneliness, hardships, and challenges of life. Every Christian should seek to abide in a place of deep contentment where God is truly enough for them. It doesn’t mean that Christians don’t have dreams, desires, or needs anymore, but ultimately, God is sufficient and satisfying to every one of their needs.

In the fanfare of marriage and the bustle of children and family, the quietness and simplicity of a single life can easily fade into the background. It is beautiful to observe the way God is using every person God has created, whether single or married. Being a full-time stay-at-home parent is no more or less valuable than working full-time, serving at a food bank, or teaching and leading children that are not your own. A married person has access to greater relationship depth with their spouse and children, while a single person has a network of family, colleagues, and friends in which to invest their time and relational resources. All of God’s people are equally equipped to live out their mission to love God and love people, regardless of whether they are single or married.

Love, marriage, and family are good things, but they are not the only things in life. There is more to life than dating, marriage, and babies. Finishing education, growing careers, starting new jobs, exploring passions, developing hobbies, serving others, supporting friends, sharing the gospel, and being the hands and feet of Jesus are all noble and worthy pursuits in life. Every Christian should be using the gifts and resources they have to love and serve others in their current context, following God and growing in God daily. The Christian approach to dating and marriage offers valuable wisdom in its emphasis on intentionality, commitment, and the sacred nature of relationships. The goal isn’t to find the perfect formula for relationships, but to approach them with both reverence and realism—honoring God while embracing the beautiful complexity of human connection, whether in singleness or marriage.